On the first day of Christmas, I went to get a tree
But when I arrived they were all brown with hardly any leaves
I scoured the town for one that ‘twas green
However bare stumps and branches were all that were to be seen
Thus I gathered up a tree, lifeless and withered
The tenuous bark crumbled and the trunk fissured
Even though the capacity to decorate was no more than slight
I managed an ornament or two along with a convolution of lights.
Then I backed away slowly and gazed at my work
I couldn’t have taken more pride in my perished tree
With all of its quirks.
On the second day of Christmas, I held a toy drive charity
I advertised it with flyers all over town so people recognized the cause’s severity
I positioned myself in front of the basket awaiting my first donor
Which insanely enough turned out to be the local toy store owner
He beamed as he set down his colossal bin
There were mounds of toys stored, stacked, and stationed therein
The man praised my selflessness and then went on his way
So I scanned through the bin in an attempt to find some dolls for my display
As I was rummaging my hand grazed against something recognizable
(Be aware my following actions beyond this are very much inadvisable)
The Toy I recognized was no other than the remarkable 90s sensation
Polly pockets, I always wanted one as a kid, but so did half of the population
I needed one, I deserved one, I earned one after all of this time
So I took it, and maybe 1,3, 7 others
But I mean technically they are all mine.
On the third day of Christmas, I found myself at the mall
So-called “Santa” was there sitting, fake itchy beard and all
Children lined up yearning to meet the real Saint Nick
Poor ingenuous kids don’t know they’re the victims of a worldwide trick
Slowly but surely their imbecility irked me
How could these dimwits believe Santa’s in his mid to late thirties?
So I did what anyone with an ounce of altruism would do
I informed these children that the tale of Santa just wasn’t true
Relieving them from the suffering of America’s commercialism attempts
I prided myself on success until the situation took a turn of events
Ambushed by parents screaming, clawing, and filled with vengeance
For destroying their kid’s hopes and elation with just a simple sentence.
Fleeing the ambush, I sighed without care
A wave of thrill washed over me,
This exhilaration was rare.
On the fourth day of Christmas, I stepped outside to retrieve my mail
Across the road lay a man of snow, hideous and frail
His beady button eyes were extremely haunting
I would’ve loved to rip them out but the task seemed a bit daunting
So I attempted to go on with gathering my letters and such
But the overwhelming sensation of being watched by the eerie man was just too much
I sped across the street glaring at him dead in his eyes
I could sense he knew his uncanny behavior was about to lead to his demise
I destroyed that man, disfigured him, demolished
Now all that was left were a crooked carrot and some aged buttons looking recently polished.
I then walked back to my house, calmly and collected
Still, I felt some perturbed eyes on me
Which belonged to my neighbors I suspected
On the fifth day of Christmas, the council needed help decorating the town.
I volunteered my services however they all turned me down
To be honest, I didn’t care so I came to the meeting despite the rejection
Eyes were rolled, but I was pointed to the light-hanging section.
I was put on ladder-holding duty while the others worked hard
I felt majorly unimportant so I left my position without any regard
Little did I know that would lead to a negative chain of events
For when I let go the person standing on the ladder fell onto the cement
They banged their head onto the ladder in front of us
Which led the next person to fall and then the next, it was all quite a fuss
By the end everybody but me was laying face down on the ground
So I raced away rapidly because I didn’t want to be seen here
Or any place around
On the sixth day of Christmas, I emailed a movie request to the council of the town
Every year there’s a Christmas movie night in the hall it’s quite renowned
There would be children attending so of course it had to be appropriate for all ages
So I selected one of my favorite holiday movies that entices and engages
At the event in the hall, they played each entry
I was waiting on mine for hours it was taking a century
Polar Express, Rudolph, Frosty I couldn’t stand it they were so dull and elementary
Finally, last, but not least the movie of my choosing was played
Shortly after the start, chaos ensued, children wailing and screeching, so afraid
The town hall poured out with people, I was the only one left, and so forlorn
I sat still watching the remarkable movie that the town had treated
With such scorn.
On the seventh day of Christmas, I was hired at a local cafe
I was a barista in charge of making people’s drinks and wishing them a good day
After my training I felt exceedingly confident, I was on a roll
Using different, syrups, roasts, and milks: skim, almond, oat, and whole
Most people ordered hot chocolate because of the festive season
Although I think it’s gross, many wanted cow milk with it for whatever reason.
After a long day of stirring, steaming, and shaking
I noticed something odd about the final drink that I was making
I glanced over at the milk I’d just poured
To my surprise, there was an issue quite troublesome that I’d somehow ignored
The entire jug of milk was filled with enormous clumps, I wondered how I hadn’t seen
Not only that but the fluid had a delicate tint of green
At first, I was distressed, I allowed this to happen and I didn’t know how,
But as I slowly started to ease up I realized that at least those customers now know not to drink milk from a cow.
On the eighth day of Christmas, I escorted my sled up to the top of Northward Mountain, the highest point in town
I noticed a child there too, his cheeks rosy, not daring to look down
He noticed me just them and requested assistance
I finally agreed as I grew vexed with his whining and persistence
I helped position and situate the boy in his shabby old sled
As he scrunched his face with determination it became increasingly red
I was doing a good thing taking this charitable role
All was going so well until the boy got out of control
Crying, screaming, whining, I couldn’t take it
“Help me I don’t wanna get hurt” “I’m not gonna make it”
So then I shoved him down the mountain without any bother
He cried all the way down but what was I to do?
I wasn’t his father
On the ninth day of Christmas, I attended a cookie-baking class
The gargantuan room smelled of bittersweet chocolate and propane gas
After making the cookies I handed one out to each of my peers
I was just trying to make friends and provide some Christmas cheer.
Following the bites from my cookies taken by my brand-new friends
Gradually each one dashed to the bathroom and regurgitated my treats which I didn’t intend.
Personally, I think they were faking it and just wanted to be excused.
But then again maybe I should be more careful
About which ingredients I use.
On the tenth day of Christmas, I went down to the frozen lake
The whole town was there for a community-wide skate
Excitement ran through me as I stepped foot on the ice
Except when I did so the lake began to slice
I swiftly stepped back before getting stuck
Woefully, it was only I who was granted this luck.
As the ice shattered the people submerged
Their cries for help were all that I heard
Could I have aided?
Yes, I suppose
Alas, I’m a slow swimmer and they all probably already froze.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my caroling group set out to go door to door
(Yes I know it’s surprising that I carol, I don’t love it, most of the songs I quite deplore),
But as one of the members rang the first doorbell on the street
A chill went down my spine and I immediately felt the urge to retreat
Alas the door abruptly swung open so I had no choice but to belt
Seconds felt like eons, as I sang I swore I watched the snow melt
Promptly, one of the carolers suddenly collapsed
Then the seconds following quickly elapsed
One by one each member fell to the ground
I was the only one left standing, singing any sound
The elderly couple at the doorstep was visibly frightened
But it only led my will to sing for them heighten
As they say, the show must go on
So I carried on caroling until the end of the song
Finally, when it concluded, I sauntered away
Stepping over each of their bodies
I hoped they were okay
On the twelfth day of Christmas, last but certainly not least
I brought some gifts to the cemetery to place on the graves of the deceased.
After my noble act, I arrived home and gathered letters from my mailbox
I slipped into my quaint home but soon after I heard three knocks
These were followed by a folded slip of paper slid under my door
I opened it up and read the words, which made me a lot more fretful than before.
The writing stated that I couldn’t hide anymore
That my cruel actions must be atoned for
Then one by one they listed my faults or strange ventures from these past 11 days
Although this letter was quite chilling I knew what to do, similar things happened to me always
I put on my special gloves, grabbed my special utensil, and all of my other special things needed before this proceeds.
I knew who’d written that letter and I was off to visit them,
Hopefully, you all know where this leads.
