free will might be a construct but at least i can breathe a bit easier when they are around;
my wife told me shes taking a break until i could realize my sodding potential or whatever that bloody means,
i asked her what’s the point, ever heard of modal realism, it’s not like i’m going to solve the goddamn p vs np problem in my sleep if i just turn my brain on,
she looked at me a bit sadly and said maybe you’d at least leave your bed.
i’ve never understood abstractionism, or even really stood it,
same goes for spirituality,
ceci n’est pas une pipe: ok, we get it man, shut up already
locked in this perennial struggle with the idea of representation, because what even is a microcosm, anyways,
are the gods one for us, or are we one for them,
are there any gods,
how can one dedicate themself to a lifetime of never knowing,
is this the craft, is love truly for the ones who love the work,
or is it a condemnation, a fate worse than hell?
my first boyfriend never subconsciously accepted the fact that we were dating.
he was raised muslim and profoundly ashamed of himself,
i asked him why he didn’t denounce it. he asked if i was talking about religion, or homosexuality,
i told him both,
he sighed, and i think broke up with me,
i dunno.
it was ages ago.
my therapist is on some vedic, cleanse-the-chakras type retreat,
i asked her what she would do and she said make green smoothies or whatever.
i thought that was quite stupid and said so. why would she do something like this without even understanding it,
she said you didn’t have to understand to believe.
that, and to kindly fuck myself.
i thought this must have been against some sort of therapist rule, so i looked it up.
after thirty minutes i came to the realization
that research is really quite exhausting.
yesterday my wife told me she’d been cheating.
i asked in what. she said life. something about too many shortcuts,
i told her she was being ergonomic about it,
i have no idea what that meant but i think it sounded pretty comforting.
then she told me she was also cheating on me,
i asked was there anything she thought i should do about it,
she said no, just letting you know,
i told her thanks, i appreciated it.
my therapist is back from the yoga retreat and tells me these habits are so self-destructive.
i need to work on them,
should try fixing myself, taking my medications,
apologising to those i have hurt. i tell her that’s a load of bull,
and if i was ok what would i even pay her for anyways. she smiled and told me
see you next week, rob.
free will might be a construct and it also might be constricting my windpipe,
my wife was never in scotland and never asked me to leave my bed,
she tempered her expectations ages ago,
or at least pretended to, close enough, anyhow.
god i love that woman. i think i do, at least,
or i would, if i wasn’t this numb,
& quite frankly i am tired
of what?
well i couldn’t tell you.
i think i will go sleep awhile.
