as a child i wrote like every word was set to strike an hour off my life

which is to say i wrote as often as i could for as long as i could go

because i had the chance of whittling myself down into nothing before eighteen

and lord, i did not want to be a woman

i feared the anguish of being a woman

i feared the way they clutched too tightly and broke too easily

and forgive me, i did not consider that they themselves did not want to be women

forgive me, i did not consider that they had once been girls

girls who argued until their throats caved in

and

were clutched too tightly and broken too easily

and

fought being swallowed by the world

and

i avoided them at recess

i avoided them like the plague because they frightened me with their anguish

and the anguish of a girl would become the anguish of a woman

and i did not want to be a woman and how could any of them want to be a woman

but they let themselves be anguished so i took myself away

and this writing is not mine i took it from the wall

and this body is not mine i stole it from my mother

and this voice is not mine because i forced it down my lungs

because i did not want to be a woman

i only was trying to be a girl

i think i am still trying to be a girl